Yesterday I took Tyler to Dow High for his ninth grade orientation. It was an opportunity for both of us to see people we hadn't seen all summer. Which brings me to my latest rant...
I had a number of people look me square in the eye -- with my scarf wrapped around my head in traditional chemo style -- and ask me point blank, "So, have you had a nice summer?"
The first time, this just stunned me.
I'm sorry -- are you missing the obvious CANCER hints?
Like my head wrapped in a scarf? No one does that for fashion....
One dear friend (at least she's dear to me now!) was astute enough to stop and simply ask, "So what are you dealing with?" It turns out she had breast cancer herself three years ago. She knew enough to be pointed in asking what I was dealing with and to listen. She and I talked for a long time in the hallway of Dow High.
But I digress.... As much as I wanted to be outraged by the people who could only muster the courage to ask about my summer vacation, I have to admit that I played the same game all afternoon -- instead of being truthful about my summer (which has not been all bad, I have to admit), I simply smiled and said "Oh fine... How about your summer?" At which point the conversations became awkward and shallow. It was a very long afternoon...
Thankfully, today, I finally got it right. A neighbor asked about my summer, and I started to smile and say that it had been "fine." But then I just couldn't do it.... As politely as possible, I straightened my scarf and answered, "Its been fine, but it's been tough. I've been battling breast cancer." That completely opened up the conversation. It was a relief to her to have her question answered, and to me to not have to pretend that all is well. She and I had a good talk after that.
So here's my point... If you see someone who is going through an obviously difficult time, like cancer, please do not ignore it. I don't know what the "right" question is to ask, but ignoring the obvious only makes a person feel more alienated.
And for as much as I should have spoken up and answered the unspoken questions yesterday, I sometimes feel angry that my role is to make everyone else around me feel more "comfortable" with my cancer. If I had a cast on my leg, no one would think twice about asking how a broken leg happened. But for some reason, cancer is off limits? Granted, it is more serious than something like a broken leg, but it is also obvious and real. Don't ignore the obvious.
Yesterday, I kept quiet and remained polite. But on the inside I felt angered and slighted for the better part of the afternoon. Those are understandable emotions -- I don't think anyone would fault me for feeling them. But my reluctance to speak up was costly -- I'll never know the depth of conversations that might have taken place if I had answered honestly about my summer vacation. I regret that now -- that someone might have had a need to discuss something "real," and I just played the game.
Life is very short. It is not a game.
Speak to others tactfully and with compassion, but honestly. I hate that I have cancer, but I have it. I believe that nothing comes to us that God does not allow or control; we get the good with the bad. By trying to hide or ignore my cancer yesterday, I probably missed out on something very special.
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