Thursday, June 11, 2009

Consistently Good News

Since my ultrasound about ten days ago, I've talked to two OB/GYN docs and two oncologists -- all four agree that my ultrasound does not indicate any signs of cancer, and that doing a follow-up scan in 2 months is very reasonable.

Big sigh of relief....

Just started reading Gail Konop Baker's Cancer is a Bitch (Or, I'd Rather Be Having a Mid-Life Crisis). It is a hoot! And very real to how I felt in many respects when I was first dx'd. She is a talented writer. Just beaware, she uses some raw language. But, raw is how you feel when cancer is introduced into your life...

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

How Much Info is Too Much Info?

Well, I talked to my doctor this morning. Actually, not my doctor, but his colleague because my doc was not in the office until the afternoon. But, my doc delivered my first son 16 years ago, and his colleague delivered our second and third sons -- I have a long history with both docs, and appreciate/trust either of their input.

The results of my pelvic ultrasound are inconclusive. The doctor didn't use that word, but that is the result. I have a "simple cyst" on my left ovary, and the lining of my uterus is a bit thicker than normal. These are things that happen on a regular basis when women ovulate, go through menopause, eat chocolate... (no, that last bit was really a joke! couldn't resist... )

But the point is that the findings of the pelvic ultrasound could imply a problem, or they could be completely normal for me.

My doc wants to have another pelvic ultrasound in 2 months to check for changes, good or bad. The other option is to have a surgical biopsy, which honestly, I am not up for at the moment. It seems like an over reaction to what might be a very benign situation, even with my history of cancer --> I had a cyst two years ago when they did a CT scan, it was gone this spring when they did another CT scan, and now it is back again. They come and they go.

Two doctors in my OB/GYN office will review my report... I have two oncologist (one local, one at a large hospital down state), and my surgical oncologist. I will fax copies of the report to all of them, and follow up -- if anyone ONE of them suggests a specialist (gynecological oncologist, or surgery) then I will not ignore that. Otherwise, I will have the second ultrasound in 2 months and let it all stay securely in God's hands.

Monday, June 1, 2009

A Surreal Day....

This morning I was a normal mom...

... and I went to work at the library.

Afterward, I went to the hospital to have my medi-port flushed -- something I have to do every 4-6 weeks to keep the tubing from being clogged....

... and then, I had my pelvic ultrasound. "Invasive" is the only description I'll give. Now or ever....

Afterward, I went home to make dinner, drive to Liam's baseball game, and then to church for a meeting.

How surreal is my life that cancer and its treatments just network their way into my daily routine? As routinely as some people go to the grocery store, I go to the hospital. This existence is true for everyone who has a chronic illness, but it is especially unsettling to me. Friends and family consider my cancer treatment to be over; they have moved on and believe that I can/have, too. But, cancer is a shadow over most of my days. Some days emotionally or mentally. Today, physically.

The ultrasound was more unnerving today than I had anticipated. The technician was all business, and gave no impression one way or the other about what she saw. Even bad news would have been reassuring -- the not knowing is very hard.

I will not write about what I think the outcome will be, or how I feel physically (and hence, imply what the outcome will be). I've learned that a cancer diagnosis is not dependent upon how a person feels or looks. That is partly why it is such a sneaky, despicable disease -- it preys upon people in the fullness of their life.

No, you will just have to wait for the results, as will I. Hope and pray that they are conclusively benign. A cancer decision would be devastating. An inconclusive result will mean more tests, more time, and more worry.

When people talk about "fighting" cancer, I believe they are talking about the folks who have gone through the disease multiple times or who are incurable. I don't mean any disrespect to the "one timers" of cancer, but that can honestly be an easy fight. The treatment is terrible, but if the outcome is certain and binding, the ordeal for the person is over.

But to address the disease multiple times... or to know that it will ultimately be the reason you die, prematurely... Well, that is where the fight is most necessary. It is a physical fight because the disease drains of you energy and the treatment takes whatever is left over. And it is an emotional fight because it just mentally punches you and beats you down over and over and over and over again.... It does not fight fair. It is hard to have to have energy to even care to fight the disease.

It always seems to win, so why try?

But we must try, or not go on. That is where the support of family and friends and faith become so important. When we cannot go on... cannot endure another test or another treatment... do not care anymore whether we "beat" the disease or not....

That is when we need family and friends and faith to care for us. To fight for us. To encourage us and lift us up. To care when we are physically and emotionally spent, and no longer give a damn. That is the point at which a cancer patient must "fight."

God willing, my test results will be benign. Only time will tell...