A Halloween Treat?

Today I had my mammogram. I'm not a doctor, but I've seen an oodles of mammograms in the last two years -- this one looked beautiful! I'll not officially celebrate until I read the radiologist's report, but I'm pretty comfortable that the report will come back normal. Praise God!

One afterthought -- as I was waiting for the digital image of my mammogram to come up on the computer today, I wondered for a split second how I would react if I saw something that didn't look healthy/normal? I would have fallen apart right then and there, I'm sure. Lesson learned ===> the next time I go in for a mammogram, I'll not ask to see the image. I'm thankful for the (unofficial) results of today, but I would not have been prepared to handle anything but good news in that moment. Please don't follow my reckless example, ladies! (But do get your mammograms!!)

Have you noticed that the background color of my blog has changed? I had it pink in October for Breast Cancer Awareness Month (pink is not my color; I'm glad the month has come and gone!). Now, for today, the background color is orange for Halloween.

I've been thinking about Halloween, and some regrets/wishes that I have:

• I regret that I took Halloween so seriously (anti-Christian and all that) and didn't have more fun with the holiday. Don't get me wrong -- my Christian belief is first and foremost in my life -- but I believe it is possible to have fun with Halloween and not get caught up in the darkness of it all.
  
• I wish, especially when the kids were younger, that I had taken more time to create costumes, paint faces and enjoy the holiday. Halloween always felt like something that "had to be done," and not something that I enjoyed. My loss, I can accept that. But, have I taught my kids that mindset?
  
• I wish we were the family who stopped and smelled the roses more often. Halloween would be one great time to do that. "Rose smelling" is something I want to work on more for our family. It will have to wait until my treatment is finished (and my energy is back), but I've learned in the past couple of years that it is vitally important.

I've also started to read a couple of really good books. One is called When God and Cancer Meet by Lynn Eib. The other is Dear God, They Say It's Cancer by Janet Thompson. Both books deal with cancer/trials from a Christian perspective (obviously!), but neither book over simplifies the cancer experience. Cancer is tough. It brings up some very hard questions, many that are unspoken. These books acknowledge those questions, and try to give some perspective. My treatment has been a journey -- at the beginning of my diagnosis, I read "inspirational" books that helped me have hope. Those books had their time and place, but now I need something more. So far, the books I've mentioned are meeting that need.

Happy Halloween.... hope it is all full of treats, and no tricks!

Doctors Know Best

Yesterday we had follow-up appointments with my plastic surgeon and my oncologist.

The plastic surgeon is pleased with how I am healing. He said (without chemotherapy) he thought everything would be healed within a couple of weeks. He was speaking most specifically about the wound that has not healed since my surgery in May (my surgery incision from two weeks ago is fine).

The plastic surgeon said that trace amounts (he used the word "rare") of the pseudomonas bacteria were found in the fluid from my surgery, two weeks ago. It apparently took several days for the bacteria to grow in the lab, but finding them confirms that we did the right thing by having the spacer removed.

Next we met with my oncologist. He has decided to put off chemotherapy for a couple of weeks, to give me a chance to really heal. Part of me is really disappointed -- I wanted to get back on track with my treatment. Another part of me is also glad -- this is a chance to get some "rest" and to enjoy feeling good for another couple of weeks.

I have permission to be out-and-about more (hockey games, etc.), and I can return to work in November, as was planned. All good news. If everything stays on schedule, I should be finished with chemotherapy (and hence, all of my treatment?) by December 22. A Merry Christmas, indeed!

We also got our dog, Oreo, back from Pauls' parents yesterday. A couple of weeks with his parents have done wonders for her -- she is so much more calm now!? I didn't grow up with dogs in the house, so I am not sure how they "trained" her to behave, but she is like a completely different dog. She used to be a real nuisance to get into everything for attention. I sure hope that her new calmness is here to stay!?

A Little Better Each Day

The visiting nurse came yesterday (Tuesday), and her first comment to me was that I was looking better -- specifically that I had more color in my cheeks than when she visited last Thursday. I don't know if she was just trying to be nice (encourage me?), but I can tell that I am stronger each day.

My mom stayed on to help me for an extra week, and she will probably be here through Friday. She has been a great help -- keeping up with shopping, meals and laundry! And I've been so blessed with meals, prayers, cards, phone calls and flowers -- all reminders that many people care for me and are wishing for my full recovery. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

I am taking antibiotics through Tuesday, October 28. One antibiotic is a pill, the other is an IV that Paul gives me with each morning and evening. My blood was checked last Thursday, and will be checked again this Thursday. We see my oncologist on Monday (lots of questions for him!), but he has said that I can begin chemotherapy Monday afternoon. That is a good indication that he is satisfied that I am progressing/improving.

I have stayed close to home all this week -- only going out to shuttle kids from one location to another. No grocery stores, library, hockey arena, church or anything public. I am hopeful that that restriction will be lifted on Monday, as well.

Having gone through breast cancer twice, I can honestly say that these two experiences have been "night and day." I got through my first treatment with really no problems at all. This second time has more than made up for the ease of my first treatment. It has challenged me physically, emotionally and spiritually. My reservoir feels empty. The doctors can help improve the physical issues. The emotional and spiritual ones rest on my shoulder.

I have not been able to find a "purpose" of having to go through BC a second time, and especially having to endure so many set backs. To be honest, I have given up this search for the time being. My attitude now is just to get through the treatment and to pace myself, physically. God and I will have to work through some of the details later...

No News is not always Good News...

It has been a hard couple of weeks, so I will try to bring everyone up to date...

Wednesday, October 1: My oncologist suspected an infection in my implant/spacer, and told me to go to the Midland ER to start IV antibiotics. At the ER, they cultured my blood for infection and took a culture from the wound that still has not healed from my May 2008 surgery. They did blood work, which showed a slightly lowered hemoglobin (7.7 range), but my blood work was good otherwise.

Thur-Friday: We learned that my blood cultures came back negative (a good thing!), but that they had found pseudomonas aeruginosa bacteria in my wound. My meds were changed to ones which would specifically attack this bacteria, and we were set up with home-care infusion so that Paul could give me the IV antibiotics in our home.

Saturday-Sunday: I felt increasingly worse over the weekend -- sleeping all the time, barely able to get up our stairs at home. Just no energy at all.

Monday, Oct. 6: We kept an appointment with my plastic surgeon at Troy, MI. He was ready to send me home after an exam, but I felt so bad that I said I wanted to go the hospital. I was admitted to Beaumont Troy, where he does most of his surgeries. It took all day, but by evening they ran blood work and found my problem -- hemoglobin (i.e. blood volume) was 1/3 of a healthy person and my platelets (for clotting blood) were about 13-14; a healthy range is 200+. That night they gave me blood and platelet transfusions. My hemoglobin was improved but my platelets were unchanged. We decided that I would transfer to Beaumont Royal Oak so my oncologist could treat me at "his" hospital.

Tuesday, Oct 7: I transferred to Beaumont Royal Oak. They did a slew of blood tests on me. All of which (over time) came back negative. Possibly the new chemotherapy sent my platelets dropping, but my oncologist said he has never seen a response like mine. I told Paul that new chemotherapy combined with an infection and antibiotics made a "perfect storm." We might never have a definitive answer as to why I had such a life threatening reaction?

Good news.... on Wednesday, Oct 8 I was given one unit of platelets "just to see" what would happen. My platelet levels inched upward, and each day showed a little bit of improvement. By Friday, October 10, they were able to aspirate (take some fluid) from around the implant/expander to culture it.

Since I had been on antibiotics for more than a week, we were warned ahead of time that the fluid might show no sign of infection; it would be "sterile" fluid. The doctors were right about that, so we had a judgement call to make -- leave the spacer/implant and hope that the infection would go away completely on its own, or take out the spacer/implant and drastically increase my chances of beating the infection. Needless to say, we took the former option.

I was in the hospital over the weekend, receiving the IV antibiotics, watching my blood and waiting for my blood numbers to improve. The surgery was performed on Tuesday, October 14, and I came home later that evening.

For now, I am to be on the antibiotics for two weeks, until September 28. I feel more tired than usual, but my body has lots of healing to do. I can rest or eat and then feel immediately better. It is a manageable "tiredness." My blood is checked each week, and soon I should find out when I can receive my next chemotherapy. I missed my regularly scheduled dose this past Monday, and still have three doses left.

Paul's parents stayed with our boys all last week. Paul's sister was at the hospital almost constantly, and she was a great source of help and comfort to us both. But I think especially to Paul -- I didn't learn how worried he was until our drive home Tuesday evening....

My parents are here now, and they will stay for as long as we need them.

Two Steps Forward. One Step Back?

Two steps forward, one step back.... that is not a completely accurate description of my situation, but it is kind of on the mark. I guess my point is that I'm feeling much, much better (the 2 steps forward), but things still are not as they should be and I might still have to have a surgery (the one step back).

Since Wednesday, it is fair to say that this has been one of the busiest, most emotional weeks I have had in a long time. And it is only Saturday.

Without going into details, my family practice doctor did not understand the urgency of me having the IV antibiotics on a daily basis. I did get them each day, but I had to be very "persistent." I lost my spot on his office's "favorite patient" list.

Thursday was the hardest day. As the afternoon dragged out, it became clear to me that IV meds were not going to happen in Midland. My next option was to drive to Beaumont for the evening and get the meds down there. In situations like this, I make an effort to look for God. What is He doing? What do I need to be doing?

Part of that meant forgiving the doctor's office staff, and particularly one individual who was very insensitive and who played "gate keeper" between me and the doctor. I have decided to talk to the doctor on Monday about her comments toward me. That does not mean I have not forgiven her. Forgiveness is a choice we make. It is a heart decision. But the doctor needs to know how I was treated and by whom. I can talk to him in a non-vindictive way about his staff. I think that is being forgiving but also responsible.

The second "God finding" was the knowledge that God knew I needed the antibiotics and He knew the best way for me to get them. Even if that meant driving to Beaumont for the evening. It was a matter of turning the situation over to Him, and trusting Him for the outcome. Not easy to do when you are in a panic mode, but everything did work just fine. In fact, my Thursday meds were delivered in a new unit of the Midland hospital (Observation Unit) which was quiet and relaxing (only 2 patients), and I got to follow up with an old nursing friend, Joni. As it turned out, it was just what I needed that evening! Paul came by for part of the time (in between Liam's open house at school and Shane's hockey game). We both literally slept for about 30 minutes, the ward was so quiet and relaxing....

So, long story short.... the ER doctors "cultured" my blood and the area of the breast that has not been healing Wednesday night when we were there. We now know that my blood came back negative for bacteria (a very good thing!) and we know (to some extent) the bacteria that is causing my problem. They are doing further "sensitivity tests" to get more information about the bacteria.

I am now on one oral antibiotic and one IV antibiotic that is given two times per day. The IV antibiotic (and related equipment) have been delivered to our home, and the visiting nurse came this morning to train Paul. She'll come back tonight and perhaps tomorrow to train him further. As she was training Paul, I couldn't help wondering why he and I are having to go through this, and how God might someday use the experience? In the meantime, I've decided that at-home chemo is the only way to go!

Now the real issue is whether we can "save" my implant or whether I will need to have surgery to remove it (i.e. the infection cannot be defeated). I still have pain and swelling, but significantly less than when this all first started. That indicates that the antibiotics are doing some good, but we are not sure they will be able to do enough.

I don't really pray anymore for God to work situations out in a particular way; I've been disappointed too many times since the cancer became a reality. Now, I tend to pray for wisdom and strength in a given situation. I will be vigilant about my meds, hope for the best, but accept the outcome as things progress.

Another curve ball

After reading my most recent post, my sister-in-law telephoned me and made me promise to call my doctors right away. This was last night (Wednesday), and I needed her phone call because I knew I had a real problem but I just didn't want to deal with it... (Ignore it, it might go away, right? Wrong.).

So, I called my plastic surgeon first because the bulk of my problem was related to the spacer/implant he has put in. He was unimpressed with my symptoms, and said to keep taking the oral antibiotics he had prescribed. He also said to keep my oncologist in the loop, so I called him next.

My oncologist was also unimpressed with the fever, but as soon as I mentioned the breast pain/tenderness, his whole demeanor changed. He said I was to go to the ER in Midland asap, have the attending doctor call him, and he would order IV antibiotics. Long story short, Paul and I were at the hospital from about 9:00 p.m. until 1:00 a.m.

This morning I feel better, so I know the emotional upheaval of last night was worth it. Now, I'm looking at 4-5 more days of IV antibiotics, hopefully to be given in our home through the Visiting Nurses. They say they can do this, and I have to believe it will be cheaper and more convenient than a lengthy hospital stay. I still have a few phone calls outstanding; things are still subject to change.

The big question is whether the implant is infected and needs to come out (not a good option!), or if the antibiotics can work their magic and kick any infection that is there. If you're the praying type, please pray for the latter! :-)

A big hug to Karen for her push to call the doctor last night... It was a hard phone call to make because I pretty much could guess the outcome (hospital, IVs, etc), but it was also one that made a big difference in how I'm feeling today. And hopefully, in how effectively this infection will be cured!

I have no doubt that if Karen had not called last night that I would have done nothing last night, and would be home today feeling lousy and trying to "wish away" this problem...