Had a Good Week

Well, it is Friday and I'm still standing!

I had a very good week. The library had me scheduled to work each day, and I was worried that I'd have a hard time making it through the week. I'll admit -- Thursday evening I sat down at home, and essentially didn't get up again until bedtime -- I was very tired... But, I had a good night's rest, and worked today (everyday) without any problem.

Tomorrow there is no work and minimal running with the kids. A day I'm looking forward to.

Shane got his driver's license on Wednesday... We still need to add him to our insurance. That is the only stall tactic we have left! :-)

Liam has a hockey game tonight. Right now Shane is having dinner with the hockey team, and Tyler is at swim practice.

Life is beginning to return to a comfortable rhythm -- where the activities of our family are taking precedence over mom's treatment. That is the desire of any cancer patient.

My next treatment will be Monday, December 1. My final treatment will be on December 22. For everyone who gets stressed out to hear that there are only 33 days until Christmas.... that is MUSIC TO MY EARS -- only 30 days until my final chemotherapy! I personally celebrate every time I hear a countdown!

Merry Christmas....

From One Busy Week to Another....

As I write this, I am fighting a bad cold. On Wednesday, I had a killer sore throat, and called in sick to work at the library. Paul asked me to go to the doctor, and she confirmed that I do not have strep (she took a swab) and that it is just drainage from a cold. The sore throat is gone, but now I have the cold in my head -- the kind that makes you feel really wiped out and tired, if you know the feeling. Add to that chemo on Monday, and it is a nice mix. Not... I'm not a football fan, but today, sitting and watching the games in front of a nice fire sounds like a great idea...

Shane passed the final part of his driver's training tests today -- now he can go and get his license. I don't think I have seen him smile as big as he did today in a long time! He was very relieved to have passed it on the first try. He needn't have been too worried -- he is a good driver. He is just young... I had initially wanted Paul to go on the driver's test with him, but I'm glad that I got to go -- it is a milestone in his life that we got to share.

As I deal with the "what-ifs" of my cancer, it is important to me that the boys learn to stand on their own two feet. Today was a very positive experience for Shane -- that he can set his mind to something and accomplish it. He, especially, needs that kind of reinforcement. I will not forget the smile on his face for a very long time!

This coming week is a busy one, and I'm already worried about how to manage it. I work every day, and have activities/responsibilities each day besides work. Plus, I have this cold. If I let myself worry today about mid-next, it becomes overwhelming. So, I'm trying to take in stride, and take each day at a time. I've been reminding myself over and over about the verse: Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:34

For My Friend, Kim R.

I had my chemo yesterday (Carboplatin). He gave me a reduced-dose, and said I should get a blood count mid-week, next week. If that looks good, then we can assume that my health problems last month were not due to the chemotherapy. Otherwise, we have to rethink the current chemo plan. Time will tell.

Yesterday I was reading Lynn Eib's When God and Cancer Meet. I cheated and went to the last chapter, where she describes her point of view about living now as a cancer survior. Her comments about chemo therapy appointments hit me "right where I was" in the moment. And today, I read a blog of sister triple-negtive BC patient (Kim) who is feeling the same way. So, if you're reading this Kim, I've included Ms. Eib's comments here -- I hope they are helpful to you as they were to me:

"I believe getting through treatments is a lot like athletic training. I started jogging the summer of 1998.... I was 44 at the time, and had never jogged in my adult life... I am not a morning person, but I got up at 6:30 every other day and ran two miles.... I don't really like running; the only part that feels good is when I stop... All along the way I have to talk myself into not quitting. See that telephone pole up there? You can make it, I say. You've done this before, you can do it again. Remember you get tomorrow off; you don't have to do this again right away.

It's the same way I talked myself into going in for a chemo treatment every week for six months: You've done this before; you can do it again.... Remember, afterward you have six days off... Forget about all the times still to come... Don't look at the big hill... Just focus on what you're doing right now.

As long as I kept my mind in the present, focused on that goal, I had peace." pp 175-175, When God and Cancer Meet, by Lynn Eib.

So Kim, if you're reading this -- hang in there until January 27! You will get through this, and I will get through mine. We're not super women. We're not stronger than anyone else. We've just been challenged with cancer, so we've had to learn how to be strong. How to persevere. With God's help, we both will get through this and be better, stronger women for it!

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. James 1:2-3

Back 2 Work

I went back to work at the library yesterday, Wednesday Nov. 5.

I was nervous about getting too tired, but so far it has been fine. Instead of tiring me out, it has almost energized me.

The last couple of days have been slow (not many people in the library), and that is good because I have cobwebs in my brain! People come up and ask a variety of questions, and I have to remind myself how or where to find the answers. This is not like riding a bike -- it takes a while to relearn everything again!

But everyone has been very supportive and patient. I'm getting back into the swing of things, and am glad to be back.

This week I have worked 10:00 a.m. to 2:00 p.m. It has worked out wonderfully because I leave work and swing by Shane and Tyler's school to pick them up at 2:30 p.m. Tyler has swim (Dolphins) at Northwood University. We do a loop through the school, and then take Business US-10 to drop Shane off at the hockey arena. He is the team manager for Dow's hockey team. The downside of being a goalie -- a team only needs so many...

Life goes on, but everything still cycles around cancer treatment... My next appointment is Monday, November 10, and I should get a chemotherapy then. I compare a chemotherapy appointment with scheduling the flu -- you know you're going to feel badly for a few days, so you work beforehand to get as much done as possible.

These next few months -- chemotherapy with Thanksgiving and Christmas mixed in -- are going to pass by so quickly. Again, I worry about having the energy to keep up. This year is the first year we didn't do pumpkins for Halloween -- I imagine that some other traditions will go by the wayside with the holidays, as well. Everything is focused on getting through treatment with only the really important holiday traditions taking center stage. That is just the way it will have to be this year.

My hair is starting to grow back, but not enough that I can go without a hat or a scarf. This new chemo is not supposed to make my hair fall out, but it will make it thin.

Everyone has an opinion about the election results. My only observation is that I hope and pray to be around (and well) to vote in then next one. It is not something that I take for granted.

A Halloween Treat?

Today I had my mammogram. I'm not a doctor, but I've seen an oodles of mammograms in the last two years -- this one looked beautiful! I'll not officially celebrate until I read the radiologist's report, but I'm pretty comfortable that the report will come back normal. Praise God!

One afterthought -- as I was waiting for the digital image of my mammogram to come up on the computer today, I wondered for a split second how I would react if I saw something that didn't look healthy/normal? I would have fallen apart right then and there, I'm sure. Lesson learned ===> the next time I go in for a mammogram, I'll not ask to see the image. I'm thankful for the (unofficial) results of today, but I would not have been prepared to handle anything but good news in that moment. Please don't follow my reckless example, ladies! (But do get your mammograms!!)

Have you noticed that the background color of my blog has changed? I had it pink in October for Breast Cancer Awareness Month (pink is not my color; I'm glad the month has come and gone!). Now, for today, the background color is orange for Halloween.

I've been thinking about Halloween, and some regrets/wishes that I have:

• I regret that I took Halloween so seriously (anti-Christian and all that) and didn't have more fun with the holiday. Don't get me wrong -- my Christian belief is first and foremost in my life -- but I believe it is possible to have fun with Halloween and not get caught up in the darkness of it all.
  
• I wish, especially when the kids were younger, that I had taken more time to create costumes, paint faces and enjoy the holiday. Halloween always felt like something that "had to be done," and not something that I enjoyed. My loss, I can accept that. But, have I taught my kids that mindset?
  
• I wish we were the family who stopped and smelled the roses more often. Halloween would be one great time to do that. "Rose smelling" is something I want to work on more for our family. It will have to wait until my treatment is finished (and my energy is back), but I've learned in the past couple of years that it is vitally important.

I've also started to read a couple of really good books. One is called When God and Cancer Meet by Lynn Eib. The other is Dear God, They Say It's Cancer by Janet Thompson. Both books deal with cancer/trials from a Christian perspective (obviously!), but neither book over simplifies the cancer experience. Cancer is tough. It brings up some very hard questions, many that are unspoken. These books acknowledge those questions, and try to give some perspective. My treatment has been a journey -- at the beginning of my diagnosis, I read "inspirational" books that helped me have hope. Those books had their time and place, but now I need something more. So far, the books I've mentioned are meeting that need.

Happy Halloween.... hope it is all full of treats, and no tricks!

Doctors Know Best

Yesterday we had follow-up appointments with my plastic surgeon and my oncologist.

The plastic surgeon is pleased with how I am healing. He said (without chemotherapy) he thought everything would be healed within a couple of weeks. He was speaking most specifically about the wound that has not healed since my surgery in May (my surgery incision from two weeks ago is fine).

The plastic surgeon said that trace amounts (he used the word "rare") of the pseudomonas bacteria were found in the fluid from my surgery, two weeks ago. It apparently took several days for the bacteria to grow in the lab, but finding them confirms that we did the right thing by having the spacer removed.

Next we met with my oncologist. He has decided to put off chemotherapy for a couple of weeks, to give me a chance to really heal. Part of me is really disappointed -- I wanted to get back on track with my treatment. Another part of me is also glad -- this is a chance to get some "rest" and to enjoy feeling good for another couple of weeks.

I have permission to be out-and-about more (hockey games, etc.), and I can return to work in November, as was planned. All good news. If everything stays on schedule, I should be finished with chemotherapy (and hence, all of my treatment?) by December 22. A Merry Christmas, indeed!

We also got our dog, Oreo, back from Pauls' parents yesterday. A couple of weeks with his parents have done wonders for her -- she is so much more calm now!? I didn't grow up with dogs in the house, so I am not sure how they "trained" her to behave, but she is like a completely different dog. She used to be a real nuisance to get into everything for attention. I sure hope that her new calmness is here to stay!?

A Little Better Each Day

The visiting nurse came yesterday (Tuesday), and her first comment to me was that I was looking better -- specifically that I had more color in my cheeks than when she visited last Thursday. I don't know if she was just trying to be nice (encourage me?), but I can tell that I am stronger each day.

My mom stayed on to help me for an extra week, and she will probably be here through Friday. She has been a great help -- keeping up with shopping, meals and laundry! And I've been so blessed with meals, prayers, cards, phone calls and flowers -- all reminders that many people care for me and are wishing for my full recovery. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

I am taking antibiotics through Tuesday, October 28. One antibiotic is a pill, the other is an IV that Paul gives me with each morning and evening. My blood was checked last Thursday, and will be checked again this Thursday. We see my oncologist on Monday (lots of questions for him!), but he has said that I can begin chemotherapy Monday afternoon. That is a good indication that he is satisfied that I am progressing/improving.

I have stayed close to home all this week -- only going out to shuttle kids from one location to another. No grocery stores, library, hockey arena, church or anything public. I am hopeful that that restriction will be lifted on Monday, as well.

Having gone through breast cancer twice, I can honestly say that these two experiences have been "night and day." I got through my first treatment with really no problems at all. This second time has more than made up for the ease of my first treatment. It has challenged me physically, emotionally and spiritually. My reservoir feels empty. The doctors can help improve the physical issues. The emotional and spiritual ones rest on my shoulder.

I have not been able to find a "purpose" of having to go through BC a second time, and especially having to endure so many set backs. To be honest, I have given up this search for the time being. My attitude now is just to get through the treatment and to pace myself, physically. God and I will have to work through some of the details later...